


Some Time Alone Now. Wow, Isn’t Nighttime totally Sweet?

by facetiousfutz



Category: South Park
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Confusion, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Gaslighting, Humor, I'm just being an asshole for my own amusement, Kyle just wants things to go back to normal, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Parody, Please don't take this fic seriously, Satire, Self-Discovery, Suddenly Everyone is Gay, The fourth wall may or may not be broken at some point, Underage Drinking, depends on my mood, don't take this fic seriously, i'm not, lol sucks to be him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 15:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13860618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/facetiousfutz/pseuds/facetiousfutz
Summary: We’ve been down this road plenty of times before, and guess what? Here we go again! Is Kyle gay for Cartman, or is he gay for Stan? Or is he gay for both, but just, like, barely one over the other? Or is he equally gay for both? Cue excessive soap drama that results in Stan winning by a hair in the end since Cartman inevitably blows his stack at the worst possible times? Kyle’s certainly not gay for neither, though, because where’s the fun in that? Do Wendy, Bebe, Heidi, Kenny, Ike, or Butters even factor into any of this? And why are Tweek and Craig being such dicks about everything? What do they think this is? Some kind of fanfiction? Sheesh!This is me exploring Kyman and Style, and all the absolute fuck my mind goes through trying to rationalize these two ships. Maybe just some fuck my mind goes through in general. I needed something else to write besides Creek and, well, this was the most entertaining option.





	1. And so the fatass fell in love with the Jew…

**Author's Note:**

> “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, [Cartman] was a [total fatass and egotistical sociopath with no redeeming qualities. The absolute bane of my existence]. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my [dick]. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with [Stan, actually. Wait, no, Cartman. Wait. FUCK!]”  
> ― Stephenie Meyer... [Team Cartman vs. Team Stan!]

Kyle rushed into his room without so much as a word to his family. He could smell dinner, gefilte fish or something, but his stomach wasn’t ready for anything that made a smell. There was buzz in his stomach, a thump in his chest, and fire in his cheeks. What the hell? 

Did that really just fucking happen?

What are the goddamn odds? 

As early as that morning. Gosh, it felt like years ago now. But earlier, that very morning, none of this was happening. Things were totally normal. He made sure all of his homework was in order and complete to his satisfaction. He was in his senior year, in three AP classes and like one stupid elective. Wood Burning, that’s right. It was a gay little art class that Tweek recommended, because their teacher was totally deaf and they could talk as loudly as they wanted anyway and get away with lighting shit on fire. He always forgot about that class, even though he took that one because Stan and Cartman did. 

Oh, right. 

Fuck.

He wouldn’t be forgetting Wood Burning class now. 

Because those fucking assholes were the main source of his stress now! 

He had Wood Burning class with them tomorrow at 1:15, and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t skip, because his school attendance was already poor enough. He’d gotten sick way too many times that winter, but his grades didn’t go down, by some fucking miracle. All of his AP teachers were sticklers for attendance, but they were also scared of his mom, so they didn’t fuck with Kyle’s grades over attendance as long as they got all of his completed work in time. 

He was just that smart. And apparently he was hot shit all of a sudden. Fuck. Fuck! God! Why?

Kyle sank to the floor and buried his face in his hands. Was this how girls felt when their crush confessed to them? It must have been, because this is what happened. He felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest, and also felt weirdly like giggling. Who the fuck even does that besides girls, and maybe Butters?

The boys were in Wood Burning class, and Stan took him by the wrist and they sneaked into the wood closet. No one was looking. The teacher actually fell asleep. Only in South Park would they have a teacher sleep his way through a bunch of idiotic, unsupervised, sexually repressed nerds and pissed off neanderthals using sharp tools and fire. This is why Kenny refused to take Wood Burning, and instead took Advanced Home Ec., where he would be hella thirsty, eyeballing a bunch of busty chicks in aprons, and also Butters, who had taken to wearing only women's clothing since the seventh grade. He wouldn’t say whether or not he was trans, but no one would be surprised if he was. Kenny didn’t care. Either way he wanted to tap that. It was fucking obvious. Because of that, Kyle assumed pretty much all the fucking guys in his school were as gay or bi as dirt was brown, except for him, Stan, and Cartman. 

So much for that! 

Unless they were fucking with him, but he doubted that. 

He actually doubted that. 

From both of them.

Even Cartman. 

Shit. 

If Kenny had taken Wood Burning with them, would he have been the third to... to... 

Oh God. Don't even think it. 

Because he totally might have. It's not like Butters was the only person he had the hots for. 

And him and Kyle did play Ookie Mouth that one time.

OK, so they played it again in middle school. But they didn’t tell anyone. And it involved more tongue in mouth than spit down throat that time. Kenny was kind of a huge slut, though, and only he could pine over a fucking loser like Butters without losing any respect at this school. Probably because he truly had no shame, not for anything other than being poor, which wasn’t even his fault. He was poor because his parents sucked, not because he sucked. 

Man, honestly. Kyle couldn’t see himself getting involved with Kenny like that. Kenny disappeared for weeks at a time, and no one ever remembers where he goes, and no one ever remembers what Kenny tells them, and it pisses Kenny off to no end. He was just... oddly forgettable sometimes. When he was around, Kenny liked to mess around and got into a lot of fucked up shit. Drugs and porn, stuff like that. Kyle had to get into a good college to please his parents, so he couldn’t afford to have a history of irresponsible substance use and debauchery weighing him down. Never mind the fact that his mom would kill him.

So then why was he so confused? "Not Cartman" was the answer. The choice should have been obvious, but it just. It wasn't. It totally fucking wasn't. Why wasn't it? Why was the world so cruel?

If that wasn't bad enough, Stan confessed to him in the wood closet, which he didn't see coming at all. Kyle thought they were going to have a much needed man-to-man regarding Cartman, because not an hour earlier than that, Cartman cornered Kyle in the cafeteria and confessed HIS feelings. It was out of nowhere. Like, Cartman had been kind of strange and distant for awhile. Kyle figured he was plotting something stupid again, so he didn’t question it, trying his best to have as little involvement as possible in whatever Cartman was plotting. 

But like, Cartman laid it on so thick. He had Kyle’s hands in both of his. Their eyes were locked. Kyle’s heart was aching. He didn’t know what he wanted. If this was the heart of all the verbal abuse and crazy nonsense Cartman had put him through over the years. If all this goddamn time, Cartman was bullying Kyle because he didn’t know any other way to tell him, “I love you with all my heart and I want to be with you, babe” only he really, truly meant it this time. He actually meant it. 

Everything inside of Kyle was screeching at him not to believe it. 

And Stan was supposed to somehow know that Cartman had confessed to him earlier, or Kyle should have been able to say so himself. That Cartman confessed to him so perfectly, in fact. That Kyle didn’t have to answer him now, or ever, but he had to understand. He had to know that Eric Cartman was painfully in love with him, and to just... that's all. Live with that fucking knowledge now, OK? And Kyle didn’t even know where to begin. 

Cartman confessed in such a way that he'd felt trapped. He felt like an absolute dick for even considering rejecting Cartman. Stan needed to know that, and to tell Kyle that yes, it's totally OK to reject Cartman. It's Cartman. Cartman sucks. Cartman is a terrible person. Cartman dated Heidi Turner and treated her like shit. And so on. 

And besides, Cartman is a dude, and Kyle isn't gay. Right? So he assumed, at least. Kyle had never been confessed to by a dude before, let alone someone so close to him. Yes, even if they hated each other, they were still super close. Maybe the closest duo second only to Tweek and Craig. Stan and Kyle might have been best friends, but they went through varying degrees of closeness. Kyle and Cartman always had that consistent love/hate thing going on, emphasis on consistent. There's power in that. Kyle wasn't going to pretend there wasn't. They’d been to hell and back together. Precious few people could compete with Cartman in terms of having seen and done some shit with Kyle. 

The one other person who fucking could—Stan—went and laid it on thick, too. Of all the fucking days. Where was this conversation like ten years ago? Fucking Stan. Fuck everything. 

“Hey. Man, I need to get something off my chest. I’ve just... I’ve got so much going on. I hate to drag you in like this, but it’s driving me nuts. I need you to know. I see you everyday, and I’ve seen you everyday and I’ve felt this way longer than I can stand to admit.

“I’m in love with you, Kyle. Like, gay in love with you. Urp." Stan was anxious and queasy. Kyle could still feel it in his bones this second. "Understand?” 

... Yes?

Actually, no.

?

???

He wondered if Stan and Cartman were fucking with him for the briefest of moments. He even had his fist balled to deck Stan in the jaw in case he was lying. Kyle was very silent in the moments that followed Stan's confession, and eventually he came to the conclusion that Stan actually wasn't fucking with him. It was his nausea that gave him away ultimately. 

Poor Stan. Kyle wasn’t into dudes, was he? He thought he figured that out the day he made out with Kenny and didn't entirely care for it. Between the two sexes, it felt better to kiss girls. Once in awhile rumors went around that Kyle was gay, but every guy in South Park was rumored to be gay, or bisexual. Except for Ike. Ike was pretty fucking straight. Like, Kyle knew he wasn’t as straight as Ike, but he couldn’t have been more than a 0.5 or so on Kinsey’s scale. He seriously only dated chicks. He’s never had sex with one, but he doesn’t have time to accidentally knock a girl up. Heidi Turner gave him a blow job like once, though, and it was awesome. Kyle was pretty sure he was meant to be with a girl. 

At least up until this moment, when his entire world went to shit. What do you say when not one, but both of your closest friends confess that they're in love with you? I mean, really?

At the same time, as if this wasn't complicated enough, Kyle was also pretty sure he's had some sort of crush on Stan most of his life. It was one of those banal things so deeply ingrained in his being that Kyle dedicated very little conscious thought to it. It certainly didn't help that, as Stan divulged his entire confession, Kyle gave in to temptation and kissed Stan fiercely. They made out in the wood closet until Jimmy walked in on them. That's when Stan could no longer take it, and wound up puking all over the cement floor while Kyle straddled his thighs.

“Oh. M-my bad. C-c-cuh-cay-carry on, fellas,” said Jimmy, like he was interrupting a viewing of the Weather Channel. Were Stan and Kyle really that obvious? 

Damn it. Kyle kinda wanted a relationship with Stan, but he also didn’t want it, because him and Stan are Super Best Friends. That is their dynamic and it works. It's something Kyle holds very near and dear to his heart. 

On the other hand, Kyle did not want that kind of relationship with Cartman, but he also did kinda want it, because Cartman was so fucking skeevy and manipulative that he got under Kyle's skin with this. Cartman had Kyle not wanting him to feel like his feelings didn’t at least deserve to be addressed. It must have taken a lot out of him just to bring all of that out into the open, especially if he wasn't bullshitting, and even if he was. Like, if Kyle didn’t believe in second chances, or seeing the best in everyone, he would have stopped being friends with Cartman way back in Kindergarten. And, well, being in a relationship with Stan was possibly a downgrade, but it would only be an improvement for him and Cartman. Maybe... maybe Cartman would even change for the better. Better himself as a person for having found true love. Kyle could do that for him. Hell, he could do that for everybody. Imagine a world where Cartman gives up being a truly antisocial prick causing everything he touches to go to crap, because he's found love now, and intends to dedicate his life to that.

Kyle couldn't be so naive as to believe that would ever happen. Right? Look at how well that worked when Heidi Turner went out with him. Then again, if it were even a possibility, what kind of asshole would Kyle be if he didn't at least try?

Yeah. This was way too fucking complicated.

Kyle was so fucking confused. Why? Why did they have to confess on the same day? Why did they have to both be in love with Kyle in the first place? South Park already had its pet do-goody gay couple in Tweek and Craig. He didn’t need to be some paragon of gay representation. He didn’t have to make a speech of all the things he's learned from his gay experiences. He was free of the shackles of being anything other than that of one homely Jew boy in quiet little mountain town. Make some nice macaroni pictures for Moses. Keep his dad from cheesing. You know, all the important things in life. 

Not. 

Not this. 

Anything but this. 

Kyle didn’t need this in his life. 

He was going to tell them both no, forget it. Never in a million years. He was straight. He only dated chicks. Whether or not that was true, it was his story and he was sticking to it. What they had right now worked well, and they ought to do their best not to ruin it.

But then Stan sent him a heart over facebook messenger, and Cartman did, too, and just like that, Kyle’s resolve shattered.

It shattered.

Shattered.

Over a bunch of stupid digital hearts.

Fuck. 

Kyle was so screwed.

What the hell was he supposed to do now?


	2. A long, hard look into absolutely nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One mustn't look at the abyss, because there is at the bottom an inexpressible charm which attracts us.  
> \- Gustave Flaubert

Later that evening, Kyle flopped onto Ike’s bed and groaned into the palms of his hands.

“No,” said Ike, putting his headphones on. 

“Ike, I just don’t know what to do,” said Kyle, gazing at the chipped, off-white ceiling. Ike’s game was turned up to full volume. All he could hear was shooting, cursing, and running. “What the hell? Just this morning my life was totally normal, but I just got a love confession from, not one, but two fucking guys in my class an hour apart from each other. What the absolute fuck?”

Ike said nothing. 

“And like, the most fucked up part is that those two guys are CARTMAN and STAN.” 

Ike heard nothing, and therefore said nothing. Kyle wasn’t paying attention to his brother not paying attention. 

“Like, how did I not see this coming? Stan’s only ever dated Wendy Testaburger. I thought he was still into her. But was he ever truly into her? I wonder, man. I’ve wondered for a long time, and in a weird way, I’ve always hoped that Stan was gay. It makes me feel better if he is, because it just makes sense, you know? 

“I’m pretty sure Stan and Wendy were in a relationship not too long ago, but it’s always complicated with them. I tend to think it’s complicated because Stan’s gay, and he's never going to treat Wendy the way she expects him to, but at the same time, if... if Stan and I got together, would he just be complicated with me, too? I don’t think I could take that, man. I’m not looking for complicated. I want consistent.” 

“Fucking noobs. Get off my server!” Ike grumbled into his mic. “I’m sick of dying because you assfucks suck at life!” 

“On the other hand, Stan and I have always been a lot closer than Stan and Wendy have. I was actually able to kiss Stan before he threw up. I mean, he did throw up after, and he’ll have to fucking work on that, because I’m not making out with anyone’s puke mouth, even if it is Stan’s.” 

“FUCK!” said Ike, ripping off his headphones and flipping off his computer. “I need some beer. Want one?” 

“And Stan’s hot. Like, way hotter than Cartman. How is this even a contest?” 

“...I’ll take that as a yes,” said Ike, leaving the room. Kyle withdrew into his mind, not roused until the cold can of froth and bravery was placed into his lazy hand. Ike decided he’d entered the conversation at the most entertaining part, where Kyle was done bullshitting and getting right down to the stuff that mattered. Ike rolled his chair over toward his bed, propped his feet up, and listened while Kyle continued bitching. 

“But then again, Stan’s a huge drunk,” said Kyle, opening his beer, taking a huge swig. A bigger swig than Ike was capable of, he dare say, and this was Canadian beer they were drinking, mind you. “Who the fuck our age has an entire collection of Crown Royal and Hennessy bottles? His dad’s a total wine-o. Whiskey is Stan’s poison." Kyle took a long moment to belch, then had more beer. He really wished Ike had a blunt the two of them could pass bath and forth. “I mean, dude. I could taste Jack in his kiss and it was nasty. He didn’t even bother using Listerine to try and hide it. Stan has problems, dude.”

“Wow,” said Ike, lighting a cigarette. “What an inconsiderate dick. Not sharing his Henny.” 

“I know!” said Kyle, missing that very last part. “I can’t believe the nerve. At least Cartman was sober when he confessed!”

“So Cartman finally confessed,” said Ike. “Miracles do happen.”

“But it’s still Cartman. He’s a fucking sociopath! He belittles our people. He’s put us through so much crap. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve almost died because of him.” 

“And he’s an antisemite,” said Ike. “Date Stan, not Adolf Cartman. I know Stan’s boring, but trust me. It’s for the best.” 

“I don’t know...,” said Kyle. 

“If the choice isn’t obvious then get out,” said Ike, going back to his computer. “I don’t have time to listen to anymore of your bitching.” 

“Wow,” said Kyle. “Some brother you are. Asshole.” 

“Bite me,” said Ike, sliding his headphones back on. The conversation really was over, at least between him and Ike. It’s not like there weren’t other people he could talk to about this, right? Heck, mom was going to ask about it at dinner. Kyle always does his homework right where she can see him, so she can shower him with praise over being her most precious and perfect little angel. He didn’t do his homework yet. Didn’t even say hello when he walked in the door. She would know something was up. She would ask. 

“What’s got you so down, bubala?” she asked at dinner, right on cue. Only Kyle wasn’t ready to say anything about anything, and decided in that moment that he wouldn’t.

He instead was going for a generic “just stressed from school.” Maybe a classic “nothing, just tired” would do the trick. 

But no. The only sound that came out of his mouth was “oye hah...” and Ike decided it was his job to translate. 

“I guess he’s still trying to figure out whether he wants his new boyfriend to be Stan, or Cartman. The answer is Stan, by the way.” 

“Really, Ike?” said Kyle. Then his head went thump on the table. His appetite totally left the building. Is this how Craig Tucker felt the day he was forced to come out gay to his parents? 

“Ike, it’s not funny to joke about homosexuality,” said Sheila. “Shame on you! I raised you better than that.” 

“He... he isn’t joking,” Kyle confessed. Now that it’s been said, it might as well be dealt with. Ike had a point, and this was the original plan, but he could have at least warned Kyle in advance. Asshole. “I-it’s complicated. Between me and... those guys.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out. Am I hearing that correctly, Kyle? Are you and Stanley finally a couple?” 

“Wait, what?” said Kyle, blushing. “I didn’t say that. Ike did! And what do you mean finally? You say that like it was inevitable.” 

“You and Stanley have always been inseparable,” said Sheila. “Sharon and I wondered just how close the two of you would become.” Sheila even bet the two of them would get married someday, but she didn’t want to discourage Kyle from doing so, thus said nothing of it.

“Hold on, now,” said Gerald. “You know Randy and I are the best of buds, right? Then you’ve gotta believe me when I say Stan comes from a long, long line of alcoholics, and Stan’s, well, I happen to know that he’s already in the thick of it. Getting involved with an alcoholic is a costly mistake. Kenny’s mom wasn’t always poor, you know.” 

He would say that much, but he’d never confess to Sheila about drinking with Stan and Randy over at the Donovan residence every Tuesday night, occasionally joined by Liane Cartman, Stephen and Linda Stotch, Classi, Kenny with his entire family, and Towelie, who brought the pot. They got into some deep shit, too. Jack. Crack. Cheesing. All the best shit. Kyle couldn’t join them in the cloud of inebriated fuck until after he finished law school. As far as Gerald was concerned, Cartman neither smoked, nor drank, which alone put him above Stan. 

“And Cartman’s an antisemite who fed some kid his own parents in chili once,” said Ike. “Are we really still having this conversation?” 

“I simply must agree with Ike, bubala," said Sheila, placing her hand on Kyle's shoulder. "Eric is a terrible delinquent! But Stan is a sweet and wonderful young man, and so very handsome. If Stan has wine cooler every now and again it won’t hurt anybody, as long as he’s at home with his mother.” 

Gerald cringed, knowing from experience that Stan was never, ever just “at home with his mother” when he drank, smoked, or cheesed, but he’d get his ass handed to him if he said a word about it, so Gerald’s lips were sealed. 

“Think practically, Sheila,” said Gerald, spinning his tirade of bullshit further still. “Eric Cartman is a smart kid. If he put his mind and energy toward something worthwhile, why, he could make millions. We could coach him. And Kyle will have plenty of time to remarry after Eric has heart failure at thirty. Forty at the latest. And he’ll have millions of dollars! A true god among clods.” 

“What an awful thing to say, Gerald!” said Sheila. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing.” 

“What can I say, Sheila? Even if I prefer Kyle go for Cartman, the kid’s still a no good Nazi sympathizer.” 

“Just Nazi, dad,” said Ike. “Just Nazi.” 

“Can I be excused?” said Kyle, having taken no bites of his dinner. This conversation was making his skin crawl now. 

At least he knew now that he couldn’t count on his family to have any useful input. He was even farther from a decision now than he was earlier! It didn’t help at all that his brother totally betrayed him. That’s the type of thing you keep in confidence. Kyle shouldn’t have to tell Ike that. Asshole. Fucking asshole. Why did all the people he loved have to suck so goddamn hard today? 

Maybe he needed to talk to someone whom he didn’t love next time. But that would have to wait until morning.


	3. That didn't help at all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "La da da dee da da da da La da da dee da da da da La da da dee da La da da da dee da La da da dee da da da da da"  
> La Bouche - Be My Lover

Kyle slept like shit that night. 

It took two more beers just to knock him out, and even then it was only for like two hours. Then he woke up with metallic breath and a bloated belly, belching and farting while he tossed and turned. It was a welcome distraction from his actual predicament. He thought he might drift away, doing something monotonous and repetitive on his phone; however, he’d received more messages from Stan and Cartman, and was in no mood to look at them, or even acknowledge that they were waiting to be looked at. He put his phone on his bedside table face down, and then he rolled over. It was only two in the fuckin’ morning. Even if he had a lot on his mind, he still needed to sleep. 

God his stomach hurt. How did Ike have so much beer? He was only like twelve, or fourteen? Sixteen, possibly? Kyle didn’t actually know, to be honest. His parents had him all mixed up about that and never bothered to correct him. Plus, Ike skipped a few grades, adding to the confusion. He was only a year behind Kyle in school now. It also didn’t help that Ike seemed a lot older than he actually was and always had. It’d always been that way. He’d become a man long before Kyle had. He was like six the first time he boned an adult woman, and that wasn't the last cougar with maple fever that he lured in either. She was just the last one to get caught. Ike was legendary for that, and guys respected the shit out of him. Clyde even asked him for his autograph, for fucks sake. What the hell is wrong with the people in his school? 

Ike could have any woman he wanted, and all the beer he wanted. He put very little effort into hiding that from their parents, and yet managed to squeak by unnoticed anyway. Probably because he got the same perfect marks that Kyle did AND skipped grades. Kyle never skipped grades. Because of his poor health, he always got slammed for bad attendance, which was bullshit. Ike fucks a teacher and skips like five grades. Kyle skirts by with perfect grades, relatively inoffensive, and gets shit all over. Ike truly was in a position of being the one to dish out solid, brotherly advice, something Kyle had an impossible time swallowing. As the older brother, it was his job to be the wise one, the protector. Who was Ike to be telling him how to live his goddamn life? That alone made it tempting to tell Stan "sorry, but fuck off" no matter how petty that seemed. His pride as an older brother was crushed and ground into the pavement. What more could the Universe possibly want to throw at him? 

Even so, Ike wasn’t wrong. Cartman was an antisemitic sociopath hell bent on making the world as terrible as possible. How was this even a fucking contest? Kyle even liked Stan, for fucks sake! He should reject Cartman, hook up with Stan, and be done with it. At long last, Tweek and Craig didn’t have to be the only openly gay couple in their grade. Even Kyle’s mom had their blessing. 

But Kyle happened to know what his dad was going on about at the dinner table. He knew all too well. Stan was on drugs. Pot and alcohol bare minimum. Ever since the whole Ass Burgers thing happened, Stan was never the same. He was more cold and cynical toward the world. He was prone to moping a lot more. He got addicted to dangerous, expensive shit all too easily, like microtransactions on phone games. That was bizarre. He often had whiskey on his breath, too, and was way too sensitive. Kyle never thought he’d see someone cry into a hamburger that wasn't 'grass fed' the way Stan did. Even Heidi, who was still a vegan, told Stan to get over it. It was one dramatic roller coaster ride after the next simply being Stan’s best friend. How bad would it get if they actually started dating? Would it mess with Kyle’s chances of getting into law school and having a bright future? 

If his mom understood even half the shit Stan put him through on a daily basis, she wouldn’t be so quick to insist that Kyle hook up with him.

Then again, maybe she did know everything and still didn’t see the problem. After all, her own husband was a drug addict with a gambling problem, so maybe Kyle was taking after her again. Like he did when Jersey came to town, or when he was the cause of Toronto getting nuked. Ike still wasn’t happy about that. No wonder he had no qualms about throwing Kyle under the bus at any given time, yet he still cared enough to have plenty of beer handy. He supposed that was something, even if his gas was pretty rank at the moment. 

“Ugh,” said Kyle, picking up his phone again. It was now 2:20. Everyone on messenger was asleep or away, except for Tweek. Tweek was never asleep and he was never away, except during class. Kyle decided, since he couldn’t sleep anyway, maybe Tweek could talk to him. 

“Hey,” Kyle typed, and sent on facebook messenger.

Two seconds later, Tweek replied, “What do you want?” 

Kyle took offense to that at first. “What? A guy can’t say hey to one of his friends anymore?” 

Several minutes went by. Tweek was ‘typing’ the entire time. Kyle grew increasingly impatient by the second. He’d already gotten enough attitude from Ike tonight. Why the fuck did Tweek have to dish it out, too? 

“No,” was Tweek’s first message, which was immediately followed by: “Because the only time anyone besides Craig messages me at two o’clock in the morning is when they have some stupid problem and the only person they can talk to online about it is me!

“Just cut the bullshit and tell me what's wrong already. I can’t take it. I fucking hate small talk.” 

Well, that was rude. Kyle’s impulse was to tell Tweek fifty different ways to shove it up his asshole and then block him. He decided to get up and take a piss instead, and when he came back he was more chill about it, realizing Tweek was right. Nobody had time for bullshit. Least of all Kyle. He had to get to the heart of this. 

“Fine. You want my life story? Here it is:

“Cartman and Stan are both madly in love with me apparently. They both admitted as much at school earlier today. Yeah, on the same day. An hour apart from each other even. Isn’t that nuts?

“I have no fucking idea how to respond to either of them. I’ve never even been hit on by a guy before. Not really. And suddenly? This. fml 

“I mean, you and Craig have been through this already, right? What do you do when your best friend is gay for you out of nowhere?” 

Tweek took his time with his reply once more. This time, eleven minutes went by while Tweek was ‘typing’. Tweek sure did take forever to answer a stupid fucking question. 

“I don’t know,” was the much anticipated answer Tweek provided. He said nothing more for several minutes. Never started ‘typing’ again either. 

Kyle frowned and messaged him. “What do you mean you don’t know? Yes you do. You’ve been through this!” 

“I DON’T KNOW,” Tweek sent, immediately followed by, “Don’t ask me a question like that. It’s too much pressure. I might tell you the wrong thing, and you’ll wind up getting killed and your ghost will haunt me forever. I think you need to ask Craig instead. I’ll invite him to this chat, if that’s OK?” 

Kyle said “sure.” His parents already knew what was up. What’s the worst that could happen if Craig knew? Craig may have been an insufferable dick, but at least he wasn’t an traitor like Ike. 

Craig joined their chat, and caught up on the buzz. 

“Stan,” is what Craig replied. He offered no further explanation, which made Kyle’s nostrils flare. 

“Stan what?” said Kyle. 

“You know what,” Craig said. “Tweek told you no bullshit, right? Well, I happen to have the same policy. In fact, I taught him everything he knows.”

“Shut up, Craig,” said Tweek. 

Craig sent him a middle finger emoji, followed by a heart, and just like that Kyle felt like a third wheel. 

Even so, he pressed on. “Maybe 'Stan’ isn’t as simple an answer as you think it is, Craig.” 

“Yes it is,” said Craig. “Then again, you could drown the world in the sexual tension between you and Eric. Maybe deal with that first. Fuck the fatass once, but leave before he can manipulate you into believing he’s the only thing that matters in your life. I hear it worked for Wendy Testaburger.”

“What?” Kyle said. “Cartman and Wendy never fucked.” 

“They did kiss, though. Like one time,” Tweek weighed in. “Wait. I know! You should try talking to Wendy and Heidi. They know what it’s like to date Stan and Cartman. They'll help.” 

“That’s a really good idea, babe,” said Craig, followed by a kissy-faced emoji. Tweek sent him two kissy-faced emojis in reply, and a heart. 

“I don’t know,” said Kyle. “I’m not entirely comfortable with that. Those girls aren’t exactly my friends.”

“And we are?” said Craig. 

“Don’t be such a dick, hon,” said Tweek, followed by a crying laughing emoji.

“Why? You like dick,” said Craig, with a sly emoji on the side. 

Kyle put his phone down, because that thread turned into about four hundred lines of Tweek and Craig flirting, occasionally arguing, but mostly flirting, half in words, half in emojis. It was way too gay, even for Kyle. This prompted Kyle to leave the conversation altogether, because he wasn’t interested. They’d completely forgotten that Kyle was there anyway. It was also apparent that they didn’t care. Well, Craig didn’t, and Tweek was easily swayed into not caring when Craig was around. Some help they were. 

“Thanks for nothing, butt brigade,” Kyle grumbled, tossing his phone at his feet. Then he buried his face in his pillow and screamed. He was even starting to believe that there was no god, and decided to shower his filthy husk of a body for about ten minutes. Then he crawled back into bed, hair soaking wet, skin red hot from the scalding spray he slouched in. 

Confused. Out of sorts. Unreal. Burnt out. Scattered. Lost. Fucked beyond belief.

This must have been how Heidi Turner felt the day she realized she’d made a mistake by dating Eric Cartman. 

That’s right! Kyle remembered. He remembered how awful Cartman treated her. He remembered it all. He especially remembered how sweet Heidi used to be, and how that sweet girl was ripped away from him by some bulbous swine. She never was able to fully return to the person she was before, no matter how hard she tried. Kyle could totally relate.

God, he fucking hated Cartman! How Cartman accused her of being emotionally abusive, or whatever. How he’d turned her into another Cartman. She never could lose all that weight and keep it off, no matter what she did. She was another hulking fatass just like Cartman was. She generally wasn’t as mean, though. She did have a conscience at least some of the time. Even so, the aftereffects of Cartman were painfully apparent in her. She was like Violet Beauregarde and Cartman was the tempting gum that inflated her into a massive blueberry, only with no Oomp-Loompas around to roll her out and juice the toxic bullshit out of her. Like Cartman, she’d most likely be fat for the rest of her life. 

Would Kyle become another Violet Beauregarde? Clinging to forbidden fruit because he can? Because he insists it can't be a mistake, as long as he keeps it under control? Because no problem is too large for him? Because everyone but his dad was telling him not to? Was Kyle doomed to assume the role of becoming yet another hulking fatass of South Park trapped in Cartman’s intricate web? The thought of it made him very uncomfortable, and he imagined it might make Heidi uncomfortable, too. But then she’d turn around, call him a filthy Jew rat as she was groomed to do, and leave the conversation at that. 

So no, Tweek. Talking to Heidi was a very bad idea, as far as Kyle was concerned. The only reason Craig thought it was a good idea was because he liked and respected Heidi. For some reason that no one quite knows, those two became total besties over the years. They’d probably be a couple by now if Craig wasn’t gay and dating Tweek. Craig didn’t even like his own sister, his mom, or any of his fifty ginger cousins, but he sure liked Heidi Turner. Weirdo. 

Anyway, Kyle thought it prudent to take Heidi Turner herself as a red flag against dating Cartman. That was what his future held. Two hundred pounds of extra fat and his only friend being Craig Tucker, if he was lucky. Fuck that. 

To be fair, though, if he was taking that route with Heidi, it was only fair that he took Wendy Testaburger as a red flag against dating Stan. 

They stayed in each others’ orbit for a very, very long time. Since elementary school. Wendy was always open about anything she was going through. She chose to go by “she,” or “she” was a pronoun that she found tolerable. Kyle didn’t know which, because he never asked. It wasn't because he didn’t respect her gender fluid identity, but because he didn’t like her as a person. Kyle did not like Wendy, and therefore made no effort to talk to her, ever, unless it was school or Stan-related. Aside from those two things, Wendy and Kyle shared nothing else. Kyle never liked Wendy. Not in a romantic way. Not as a friend. Not as a classmate. Not as a fellow human. Not even as another meat bag sucking air. Kyle plainly and openly did not like Wendy Testaburger. He balked at the one time Stan got it in his thick skull that Kyle was trying to steal Wendy away from him. That was stupid. Being a better boyfriend to Heidi than Cartman was one thing, but Kyle refused to entertain the thought of going down that path with Wendy, because... fuck. Because he didn't like Wendy! He couldn't say it enough. 

In fact, he fucking hated her guts! 

That's right. Kyle hated Wendy. The end. 

Loathe as he was to admit, the main reason he hated her was because the two of them were way too fucking similar. They both had high strung parents who expected them to have grades, extracurricular activities, and overall accomplishments worthy of getting Harvard Law School’s attention. They both had short tempers. They both had the satisfaction of punching Cartman in the face. They both went through hell and back several times when Stan decided it was time to melt down. 

Yet, she was the one that got to be with Stan all these years. She took his buddy and disappeared with him. She made him all googly-eyed and dumb and he threw up too goddamn much. Had Kyle been jealous this whole time? What did she have that Kyle didn't? Aside from being a girl, or sorry, gender fluid person, which confused Stan, but didn't make him question whether or not he should be dating Wendy, or Wendyl, as she sometimes preferred. Wendyl could be a fully transgender boy and him and Stan would still be together, especially now that Stan's apparently gay. Fucking assholes. Both of them! 

Actually, you know what? Kyle kind of enjoyed the fact that the shoe was on the other foot, for now. Fuck you, Wendy. And fuck Wendyl, too. Stan, should Kyle so choose, was all his. The power was in Kyle's hands, for once. 

Still, should Kyle ever need to break up with Stan, it was bound to be a hideous event. Whenever Wendy fucking broke up with him, Stan got super depressed and gave up on life in general, which was really, really annoying. Kyle had encyclopedic knowledge of how Stan overreacted when he was suddenly single after weeks and weeks of ignoring his girlfriend’s calls and texts. Kyle couldn’t even take being ignored by Ike, Tweek, and Craig. How the fuck was he supposed to deal with Stan if he’d become some prop on Stan’s stage of self-destructive revelry? That was par for the course in being Stan’s lover, if the painful saga of Stan and Wendy were any indication. 

How was it that Kyle was the only one who seemed to notice this? Everyone was so quick to push him into hooking up with Stan, which would be fine, if Kyle were sure that he wouldn’t get the same treatment Wendy did.

But he wasn’t sure. 

And he wasn’t even convinced that it’d be any better than becoming Cartman’s pitiful little plaything either. 

The only thing Kyle was certain of was that school was going to suck ass in the morning. He was going to have to face them both, and he didn’t have a fucking answer. Not for either of them. 

God fucking dammit.


End file.
